Interview with Arielle Ford, Author of Turn Your Mate into Your Soulmate

Arielle Ford Headshot

Relationship expert and author Arielle Ford was thrilled when she finally found her soulmate, whom she married at the age of 44. But she was shocked to learn that “happily ever after” required a lot more work than she’d expected. Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate, out December 29, helps women do exactly that by teaching the lessons Arielle learned. But even if you’re not married, you can still learn plenty about relationships and love in our interview with Arielle.

SuperheroYou: What inspired you to write this book?

Arielle Ford: I was a first-time bride at the age of 44. I actually wrote a book about it. It’s called The Soulmate Secret because I decided to actively manifest my husband and my soulmate through the law of attraction. What I didn’t realize at the time was that manifesting a soulmate was actually the easy part. It was learning to live with a soulmate which was a little bit more difficult. And what I quickly discovered once I got married was that I was really good at being the boss – I had my own business – but I was really lousy at being a partner. I had like zero partnership skills. And once I figured out that just because you’re with your soulmate doesn’t mean the relationship’s going to be happily ever after every day, I decided to commit myself to becoming a student of love, and to figure out how to be a great partner and how to be a great wife and how to really enjoy the love of my life as much as humanly possible. So the last several years, I’ve been teaching people how to go about and manifest a soulmate. But then my married friends would say to me, “Well, that’s great, but what about me? Can you teach me how to turn my mate into my soulmate?” So that’s the inspiration for the book. It’s the book that I wish someone had given to me as a wedding gift.

SHY: Can you define what you mean by soulmate relationship? In the book, you talk about how a soulmate relationship can be romantic or platonic. Is every deep relationship a soulmate relationship?

AF: No, not every relationship is. So I believe that a soulmate is somebody that you feel physically and emotionally safe with, that you share unconditional love with, and when you look into their eyes you have the experience of being home. So it’s a really deep, profound connection. And I believe that you can have sister soulmates, co-worker soulmates, your parents, your kids, even your cats and your dogs. But when it comes to romantic soulmates, it’s much deeper than that. It’s much richer. So not every relationship is a soulmate relationship but I do believe that we end up attracting to us the people that most of the time are soulmates, even on the days when we don’t like them.

SHY: If you could have people take away just one lesson from this book, what would it be?

AF: I guess if there is one, it’s that people really need to understand that it’s normal to have conflict in a love relationship. We all live having bought into the myth of happily ever after and there are a lot of people who believe that if we are with our soulmate, it’s going to be easy, and it’s just not true. The research that’s been done has proven that every single relationship, not just some, every single relationship has a minimum of 9 irreconcilable differences. These are things on which you are never going to agree. And so the work of marriage is learning to understand that we have to love and respect each other in spite of our differences, get really adept at good communication skills and really learn the art of creative problem-solving. Because you’ve probably noticed that in most relationships, you have people who – like there’s usually a spender and a saver. And money is the number one issue in most relationships. And that’s just nature’s way. I don’t know why it’s that way, but that’s just how it is. Or you’ve got somebody who wants sex every day and somebody for whom sex once a month is fine. But there are ways to learn skills to communicate clearly about your needs and desires and to get your needs and desires met. And I outline those in great detail throughout the book.

SHY: In the book, you talk a lot about past lives and destiny. What do you say to people who don’t really believe in that kind of thing?

AF: You know, then you don’t need to believe in it. I’m not trying to convince anybody of it. I personally believe that our souls never die, and that we do reincarnate lifetime after lifetime. And quite often, when people meet somebody that is a soulmate, one of their first responses is, “I feel like I’ve known you forever.” And understanding reincarnation and past lives is really an explanation for the depth of that connection. That we did choose to come together to share lives together in the physical form. But I don’t – it’s OK with me if you don’t believe it. This is just my personal point of view and I thought I would share it in the book.

SHY: How do you know if someone is your soulmate?

AF: Well, let’s see. I would say that – what I just mentioned. You have this feeling of recognition that you’ve known each other forever, and that you also feel like you become a better version of yourself when you’re with them. And you feel this – the way I’ve had other soulmate couples describe it to me, which was also my experience, you just feel it in every cell of your body that yes, this is the one I’m meant to spend my life with.

SHY: Can you elaborate on the idea that some people are soulmates for certain times in your life?

AF: Um, yeah. I think once you’re with a soulmate, even if the relationship sours and goes bad or it ends, it doesn’t mean they weren’t your soulmate because we get to have more than one soulmate in a lifetime. That’s one of the big myths out there – that we each only get one big love in a lifetime. And it’s just not true. And some soulmate relationships have an inherent expiration date. It may be 3 days, 3 months or 30 years. I’ve seen couples that have been together for decades. They raised their kids together. They built careers together. And then at some point, not because anybody cheated or anybody changed, it’s just over. The karmic lessons are complete, and it’s time to move onto another soulmate. So while I would encourage any couple, especially if they’re going through a hard time, to at least commit to 6 months of doing everything they possibly can to make the relationship work, it is always possible that the relationship has an expiration date.

SHY: You were a first-time bride at 44. Many of the couples in your book are older or have been married for several years, and in the book, you talk about how you must be an emotionally mature adult to do all these things. So can you talk a little bit about how age plays a role in soulmates?

AF: You know, I was recently talking to a newlywed who hasn’t even been married a year yet. I’d given her an advance copy of the book, and I said, “I don’t know if this book is going to speak to you because you know, you’re just 30 years old and you’re newly wed.” And she said the thing that she found so valuable was to discover that a lot of the thoughts and feelings she was having about the times when she and her husband would argue was that it was normal. She was starting to question whether she was with the right person because she didn’t understand that it is absolutely normal to have ups and downs, and that the feelings of love come and go. You know, a lot of people don’t seem to understand that love is much more than a feeling. You know, they think if they’re not feeling love, they must not love the person anymore. And the truth about love is that it’s a behavior. It’s a decision. It’s a choice. It’s a commitment. It’s a vow that you take. So there will be days when you have to say, “Yes, I love you. I may not like you today, but I still love you.” And I think that really supersedes any age group.

SHY: If love is a decision, then why do people stop choosing it?

AF: You know, I think they stop choosing because they don’t know what to do to fix the problem. They’re not feeling the love, and they’re thinking, you know, OK, this isn’t meant to be. It’s not working out. If I were just with the right person, it wouldn’t be this hard. And here’s some statistics about that I want to share with you. We’ve all heard that 50% of first marriages end in divorce. But what you probably don’t know is that 64% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. So what that tells us is that changing partners is often not the solution. And this is where personal responsibility comes in. We may be waiting for our partner to make us happy when the truth is, it’s up to us to make ourselves happy. Now yes, we may have to have some difficult conversations with our partner to get our different needs and desires met and to uncomplicated certain situations. But the way in which most of us do them is completely ineffective. We start yelling, bitching, moaning, complaining, shaming, blaming – which is not the way to get anything done. So throughout the book I actually give scripts on how to have different kinds of conversations from a really loving, gentle and kind perspective. Because the truth is, your mate did not wake up this morning thinking, “Oh, I wonder how I’m going to make Sasha crazy today. What can I do to really upset her?” Nobody’s thinking that way. Yet when our partner does something we’re reacting as if they did it on purpose. And the truth is, they’re just acting out their own patterns, which may and often do conflict with what we think they should be doing.

SHY: Do you think it’s possible to fall out of love?

AF: Yes, I do think it is possible to fall out of love, and in fact, there’s ways to actually scientifically test it. Dr. Helen Fisher at Rutgers University, she’s one of the world’s leading experts on anthropology and love, actually has done CAT scans of people, of couples. And she can tell through the CAT scans whether or not they’re still in love. Now that said, she also has found ways to have you fall back in love and I give some of those techniques in the book. So if you want to love somebody, it is possible to fall back in love with them. And one of the ways you do it is by triggering the brain chemistry of dopamine and oxytocin and all those feel-good chemicals that come out of the love section of your brain. And you can do it by potentially spending 90 minutes by asking each other 36 questions. 36 intimate questions. And this is in the book, all of those questions. So you spend 90 minutes asking each other these questions, answering them as truthfully and with as much vulnerability as possible, and then you spend the last 4 minutes gazing into each other’s eyes without talking. This not only can bring couples back together, it’s also been proven to take two strangers and have them fall in love.

SHY: Who is your real-life superhero?

AF: My husband. My husband is my superhero. He is like a heart chakra. He smiles in his sleep, and he gets up every day with one intention – actually, two. The first intention is to take care of me. And the second intention is to make sure that everybody he comes in contact with has the experience of being loved.

SHY: What is your real-life superpower?

AF: I have two. So when it comes to work, it’s making stuff happen. I can figure out how to make anything happen. But I would say in terms of teaching and writing, I’m really good at simplifying complex information and making it easy and palatable for people to digest.

SHY: How would you like to be remembered?

AF: As someone who is fun, loving and kind.

SHY: What is something you do every day that you wish every one else did?

AF: I would say being responsible for my emotional well being is something that I do every day. So if I’m upset or distressed about something or just feeling out of sorts, I take time to do EFT tapping to get myself back into a heart-centered, happy place.

SHY: Is that something most people don’t do?

AF: I think most people don’t even know it’s a possibility. I think a lot of people live as if they have no control over how they’re feeling. They’re just sort of at the winds of destiny and fate, and they let that inform how they’re reacting to the world. And I actually believe that like love is a choice, happiness is also a choice. We may not like the situations that we’re in. We may want to change them. But we can choose to be self-empowered and choose to find peace in every moment in spite of what the circumstances are.

SHY: You said that you’re responsible for your own happiness, but in a relationship, it’s also about the other person – so how do you balance that?

AF: You know, I think if you’re contemplating leaving a relationship, and you’ve given it every – and you really fought hard for the relationship, and you went to counseling, and you tried to new talking skills and you gave it your all for 6 months and it’s still more painful to be with them than not be with them, then that would be a clue that it’s time to leave.

SHY: What’s a lesson that people in long-term relationships who aren’t married can take from this book?

AF: The research has proven that people who are in a happy marriage live longer, heal faster and have a better life. And it’s what they call, scientifically, the marriage effect. Now people who are simply living together in a committed relationship don’t get any of those benefits, and the reason they don’t get the benefits is because human beings’ #1 greatest need is safety. And when you haven’t taken the sacred vows of marriage, there’s a part of your brain that knows either one of you could walk out the door at any time. And you don’t feel totally safe. That’s part one. Part two is what I learned from my own experience, is that when you are in a deeply committed, loving, happy marriage, every area of your life gets better. My income actually nearly tripled within the two years after I got married Nothing changed with how I was approaching my business. I was just happier. I was more content. I had somebody who had my back, somebody who cared as much about me as I cared about me, and it positively impacted my income, my health, and my lifestyle.

SHY: So the advice would be?

AF: Yeah! If you think you’re with the one, and you’ve spent at least a year with them and you know them really well, and you love them and they love you, and you want a future with them, I would say make it legal. Get married. Take those sacred vows.

SHY: What about people who are single? What’s something they can work on to improve their marriages in the future?

AF: So for those who are single and really desire to have a soulmate relationship in the future, what’s super-useful is understanding now what you will be facing once you have that person in your life. Learning these skills. Understanding the differences between, you know, how men think and how women think, and knowing how to have great effortless communication. Because all good relationships share a lot of commonalities. So they’re a combination of chemistry, connection, communication, kindness and a shared vision for the future. So while you could go out and meet somebody that you have this supernova hot sexual connection with, this hot chemistry with, that is zero indication that they’re your soulmate. In fact, it may even be an indication that they’re not your soulmate because you can’t sustain a relationship simply on sexual chemistry because it doesn’t last. It’s called the honeymoon phase, and it generally lasts between 6 months up to 18 months, and then it starts to dissipate. So you really need to be looking for not just that soulmate connection but a life partner with whom you have the connection, the communication, the compatibility and most importantly a shared vision for the future. So if you’re somebody who let’s say, one of your greatest passions is travel, and you meet this, you know, super-hot guy and all the chemistry is there, but they hate traveling, they’ve never been on an airplane, they don’t even own a passport, and they’re not interested. Chances are, you’re not going to be very happy with them in the long run once the honeymoon stage is over. So you need to be, as you’re selecting a mate, looking at the bigger picture. Knowing how to navigate the bigger picture.

SHY: So then, I’m guessing you don’t buy into the idea that love is enough to make a relationship work.

AF: No. It’s definitely not enough. I mean, just, one of the places that you have to be really careful is if you’re dealing with somebody with really bad behavior, abuse or addiction. So you could totally love your addict boyfriend or husband and be powerless to help them in any way or to sustain a healthy lifestyle with them. In many cases, love is not enough – especially now that we’re living into our 90s, possibly 100. If you’re going to spend 50 or 60 or 70 years with somebody, then you need all of the pieces. Love is not enough. And just like, let’s say, you were in a deep relationship with somebody or a marriage and you were the one who was dumped. You were left. Chances are, you still love that person. But they are no longer available to you. So you can’t ever stop loving somebody but what you can and must do is stop obsessing about them. And just put them in a little corner of your heart. Allow yourself to love them a little bit, but then open yourself up to somebody who’s going to love you the way you deserve to be loved.

SHY: I’m confused – you just said you can never stop loving somebody, but earlier you said that it is possible to fall out of love.

AF: Yes, it is. But there are times when let’s say you’ve been dumped, you did not fall out of love with the person. They left you. And you may still love them. And I’m saying, don’t try to not love them if you do. Just don’t obsess about them.

SHY: Is there anything that I haven’t asked that you think is important for people to know?

AF: Yeah, you know the thing – especially for younger people that I want them to really get, because I know, especially with the millennials and the younger generations, they really don’t see the necessity of marriage, you know? They’re really choosing not to get married, and in fact I think 50% of them are having babies before marriage, if they even do get married. And I would say to them, you know, just because your parents got divorced or you don’t have any personal experience of seeing a happy marriage is not a good enough reason not to try it for yourself. Because the love experts out there, the serious scientific researchers like Harville Hendrix and Dr. John Gottman and those folks, what they’re showing is that when you do take the sacred vows, when you do have a happy marriage, not only is it going to impact you on every level, it’s also going to impact your children. Children who are in legally married homes do better on every level. They do better in school, they do better physically, they do better emotionally. So do the research yourself if you don’t believe a word I’m saying and know that when you’re with the right person, when you’re married to your soulmate, life is better. Water is wetter. Air smells fresher. It’s more fun to be living life with your best friend, knowing that you’re on the same team, looking in the same direction.

Intrigued? Check out our review, then pre-order Turn Your Mate into Your Soulmate HERE to get tons of free gifts!

Written by Sasha Graffagna

Relationship expert and author Arielle Ford was thrilled when she finally found her soulmate, whom she married at the age of 44. But she was shocked to learn that “happily ever after” required a lot more work than she’d expected. Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate, out December 29, helps women do exactly that by teaching the lessons Arielle learned. But even if you’re not married, you can still learn plenty about relationships and love in our interview with Arielle.

SuperheroYou: What inspired you to write this book?

Arielle Ford: I was a first-time bride at the age of 44. I actually wrote a book about it. It’s called The Soulmate Secret because I decided to actively manifest my husband and my soulmate through the law of attraction. What I didn’t realize at the time was that manifesting a soulmate was actually the easy part. It was learning to live with a soulmate which was a little bit more difficult. And what I quickly discovered once I got married was that I was really good at being the boss – I had my own business – but I was really lousy at being a partner. I had like zero partnership skills. And once I figured out that just because you’re with your soulmate doesn’t mean the relationship’s going to be happily ever after every day, I decided to commit myself to becoming a student of love, and to figure out how to be a great partner and how to be a great wife and how to really enjoy the love of my life as much as humanly possible. So the last several years, I’ve been teaching people how to go about and manifest a soulmate. But then my married friends would say to me, “Well, that’s great, but what about me? Can you teach me how to turn my mate into my soulmate?” So that’s the inspiration for the book. It’s the book that I wish someone had given to me as a wedding gift.

SHY: Can you define what you mean by soulmate relationship? In the book, you talk about how a soulmate relationship can be romantic or platonic. Is every deep relationship a soulmate relationship?

AF: No, not every relationship is. So I believe that a soulmate is somebody that you feel physically and emotionally safe with, that you share unconditional love with, and when you look into their eyes you have the experience of being home. So it’s a really deep, profound connection. And I believe that you can have sister soulmates, co-worker soulmates, your parents, your kids, even your cats and your dogs. But when it comes to romantic soulmates, it’s much deeper than that. It’s much richer. So not every relationship is a soulmate relationship but I do believe that we end up attracting to us the people that most of the time are soulmates, even on the days when we don’t like them.

SHY: If you could have people take away just one lesson from this book, what would it be?

AF: I guess if there is one, it’s that people really need to understand that it’s normal to have conflict in a love relationship. We all live having bought into the myth of happily ever after and there are a lot of people who believe that if we are with our soulmate, it’s going to be easy, and it’s just not true. The research that’s been done has proven that every single relationship, not just some, every single relationship has a minimum of 9 irreconcilable differences. These are things on which you are never going to agree. And so the work of marriage is learning to understand that we have to love and respect each other in spite of our differences, get really adept at good communication skills and really learn the art of creative problem-solving. Because you’ve probably noticed that in most relationships, you have people who – like there’s usually a spender and a saver. And money is the number one issue in most relationships. And that’s just nature’s way. I don’t know why it’s that way, but that’s just how it is. Or you’ve got somebody who wants sex every day and somebody for whom sex once a month is fine. But there are ways to learn skills to communicate clearly about your needs and desires and to get your needs and desires met. And I outline those in great detail throughout the book.

SHY: In the book, you talk a lot about past lives and destiny. What do you say to people who don’t really believe in that kind of thing?

AF: You know, then you don’t need to believe in it. I’m not trying to convince anybody of it. I personally believe that our souls never die, and that we do reincarnate lifetime after lifetime. And quite often, when people meet somebody that is a soulmate, one of their first responses is, “I feel like I’ve known you forever.” And understanding reincarnation and past lives is really an explanation for the depth of that connection. That we did choose to come together to share lives together in the physical form. But I don’t – it’s OK with me if you don’t believe it. This is just my personal point of view and I thought I would share it in the book.

SHY: How do you know if someone is your soulmate?

AF: Well, let’s see. I would say that – what I just mentioned. You have this feeling of recognition that you’ve known each other forever, and that you also feel like you become a better version of yourself when you’re with them. And you feel this – the way I’ve had other soulmate couples describe it to me, which was also my experience, you just feel it in every cell of your body that yes, this is the one I’m meant to spend my life with.

SHY: Can you elaborate on the idea that some people are soulmates for certain times in your life?

AF: Um, yeah. I think once you’re with a soulmate, even if the relationship sours and goes bad or it ends, it doesn’t mean they weren’t your soulmate because we get to have more than one soulmate in a lifetime. That’s one of the big myths out there – that we each only get one big love in a lifetime. And it’s just not true. And some soulmate relationships have an inherent expiration date. It may be 3 days, 3 months or 30 years. I’ve seen couples that have been together for decades. They raised their kids together. They built careers together. And then at some point, not because anybody cheated or anybody changed, it’s just over. The karmic lessons are complete, and it’s time to move onto another soulmate. So while I would encourage any couple, especially if they’re going through a hard time, to at least commit to 6 months of doing everything they possibly can to make the relationship work, it is always possible that the relationship has an expiration date.

SHY: You were a first-time bride at 44. Many of the couples in your book are older or have been married for several years, and in the book, you talk about how you must be an emotionally mature adult to do all these things. So can you talk a little bit about how age plays a role in soulmates?

AF: You know, I was recently talking to a newlywed who hasn’t even been married a year yet. I’d given her an advance copy of the book, and I said, “I don’t know if this book is going to speak to you because you know, you’re just 30 years old and you’re newly wed.” And she said the thing that she found so valuable was to discover that a lot of the thoughts and feelings she was having about the times when she and her husband would argue was that it was normal. She was starting to question whether she was with the right person because she didn’t understand that it is absolutely normal to have ups and downs, and that the feelings of love come and go. You know, a lot of people don’t seem to understand that love is much more than a feeling. You know, they think if they’re not feeling love, they must not love the person anymore. And the truth about love is that it’s a behavior. It’s a decision. It’s a choice. It’s a commitment. It’s a vow that you take. So there will be days when you have to say, “Yes, I love you. I may not like you today, but I still love you.” And I think that really supersedes any age group.

SHY: If love is a decision, then why do people stop choosing it?

AF: You know, I think they stop choosing because they don’t know what to do to fix the problem. They’re not feeling the love, and they’re thinking, you know, OK, this isn’t meant to be. It’s not working out. If I were just with the right person, it wouldn’t be this hard. And here’s some statistics about that I want to share with you. We’ve all heard that 50% of first marriages end in divorce. But what you probably don’t know is that 64% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. So what that tells us is that changing partners is often not the solution. And this is where personal responsibility comes in. We may be waiting for our partner to make us happy when the truth is, it’s up to us to make ourselves happy. Now yes, we may have to have some difficult conversations with our partner to get our different needs and desires met and to uncomplicated certain situations. But the way in which most of us do them is completely ineffective. We start yelling, bitching, moaning, complaining, shaming, blaming – which is not the way to get anything done. So throughout the book I actually give scripts on how to have different kinds of conversations from a really loving, gentle and kind perspective. Because the truth is, your mate did not wake up this morning thinking, “Oh, I wonder how I’m going to make Sasha crazy today. What can I do to really upset her?” Nobody’s thinking that way. Yet when our partner does something we’re reacting as if they did it on purpose. And the truth is, they’re just acting out their own patterns, which may and often do conflict with what we think they should be doing.

SHY: Do you think it’s possible to fall out of love?

AF: Yes, I do think it is possible to fall out of love, and in fact, there’s ways to actually scientifically test it. Dr. Helen Fisher at Rutgers University, she’s one of the world’s leading experts on anthropology and love, actually has done CAT scans of people, of couples. And she can tell through the CAT scans whether or not they’re still in love. Now that said, she also has found ways to have you fall back in love and I give some of those techniques in the book. So if you want to love somebody, it is possible to fall back in love with them. And one of the ways you do it is by triggering the brain chemistry of dopamine and oxytocin and all those feel-good chemicals that come out of the love section of your brain. And you can do it by potentially spending 90 minutes by asking each other 36 questions. 36 intimate questions. And this is in the book, all of those questions. So you spend 90 minutes asking each other these questions, answering them as truthfully and with as much vulnerability as possible, and then you spend the last 4 minutes gazing into each other’s eyes without talking. This not only can bring couples back together, it’s also been proven to take two strangers and have them fall in love.

SHY: Who is your real-life superhero?

AF: My husband. My husband is my superhero. He is like a heart chakra. He smiles in his sleep, and he gets up every day with one intention – actually, two. The first intention is to take care of me. And the second intention is to make sure that everybody he comes in contact with has the experience of being loved.

SHY: What is your real-life superpower?

AF: I have two. So when it comes to work, it’s making stuff happen. I can figure out how to make anything happen. But I would say in terms of teaching and writing, I’m really good at simplifying complex information and making it easy and palatable for people to digest.

SHY: How would you like to be remembered?

AF: As someone who is fun, loving and kind.

SHY: What is something you do every day that you wish every one else did?

AF: I would say being responsible for my emotional well being is something that I do every day. So if I’m upset or distressed about something or just feeling out of sorts, I take time to do EFT tapping to get myself back into a heart-centered, happy place.

SHY: Is that something most people don’t do?

AF: I think most people don’t even know it’s a possibility. I think a lot of people live as if they have no control over how they’re feeling. They’re just sort of at the winds of destiny and fate, and they let that inform how they’re reacting to the world. And I actually believe that like love is a choice, happiness is also a choice. We may not like the situations that we’re in. We may want to change them. But we can choose to be self-empowered and choose to find peace in every moment in spite of what the circumstances are.

SHY: You said that you’re responsible for your own happiness, but in a relationship, it’s also about the other person – so how do you balance that?

AF: You know, I think if you’re contemplating leaving a relationship, and you’ve given it every – and you really fought hard for the relationship, and you went to counseling, and you tried to new talking skills and you gave it your all for 6 months and it’s still more painful to be with them than not be with them, then that would be a clue that it’s time to leave.

SHY: What’s a lesson that people in long-term relationships who aren’t married can take from this book?

AF: The research has proven that people who are in a happy marriage live longer, heal faster and have a better life. And it’s what they call, scientifically, the marriage effect. Now people who are simply living together in a committed relationship don’t get any of those benefits, and the reason they don’t get the benefits is because human beings’ #1 greatest need is safety. And when you haven’t taken the sacred vows of marriage, there’s a part of your brain that knows either one of you could walk out the door at any time. And you don’t feel totally safe. That’s part one. Part two is what I learned from my own experience, is that when you are in a deeply committed, loving, happy marriage, every area of your life gets better. My income actually nearly tripled within the two years after I got married Nothing changed with how I was approaching my business. I was just happier. I was more content. I had somebody who had my back, somebody who cared as much about me as I cared about me, and it positively impacted my income, my health, and my lifestyle.

SHY: So the advice would be?

AF: Yeah! If you think you’re with the one, and you’ve spent at least a year with them and you know them really well, and you love them and they love you, and you want a future with them, I would say make it legal. Get married. Take those sacred vows.

SHY: What about people who are single? What’s something they can work on to improve their marriages in the future?

AF: So for those who are single and really desire to have a soulmate relationship in the future, what’s super-useful is understanding now what you will be facing once you have that person in your life. Learning these skills. Understanding the differences between, you know, how men think and how women think, and knowing how to have great effortless communication. Because all good relationships share a lot of commonalities. So they’re a combination of chemistry, connection, communication, kindness and a shared vision for the future. So while you could go out and meet somebody that you have this supernova hot sexual connection with, this hot chemistry with, that is zero indication that they’re your soulmate. In fact, it may even be an indication that they’re not your soulmate because you can’t sustain a relationship simply on sexual chemistry because it doesn’t last. It’s called the honeymoon phase, and it generally lasts between 6 months up to 18 months, and then it starts to dissipate. So you really need to be looking for not just that soulmate connection but a life partner with whom you have the connection, the communication, the compatibility and most importantly a shared vision for the future. So if you’re somebody who let’s say, one of your greatest passions is travel, and you meet this, you know, super-hot guy and all the chemistry is there, but they hate traveling, they’ve never been on an airplane, they don’t even own a passport, and they’re not interested. Chances are, you’re not going to be very happy with them in the long run once the honeymoon stage is over. So you need to be, as you’re selecting a mate, looking at the bigger picture. Knowing how to navigate the bigger picture.

SHY: So then, I’m guessing you don’t buy into the idea that love is enough to make a relationship work.

AF: No. It’s definitely not enough. I mean, just, one of the places that you have to be really careful is if you’re dealing with somebody with really bad behavior, abuse or addiction. So you could totally love your addict boyfriend or husband and be powerless to help them in any way or to sustain a healthy lifestyle with them. In many cases, love is not enough – especially now that we’re living into our 90s, possibly 100. If you’re going to spend 50 or 60 or 70 years with somebody, then you need all of the pieces. Love is not enough. And just like, let’s say, you were in a deep relationship with somebody or a marriage and you were the one who was dumped. You were left. Chances are, you still love that person. But they are no longer available to you. So you can’t ever stop loving somebody but what you can and must do is stop obsessing about them. And just put them in a little corner of your heart. Allow yourself to love them a little bit, but then open yourself up to somebody who’s going to love you the way you deserve to be loved.

SHY: I’m confused – you just said you can never stop loving somebody, but earlier you said that it is possible to fall out of love.

AF: Yes, it is. But there are times when let’s say you’ve been dumped, you did not fall out of love with the person. They left you. And you may still love them. And I’m saying, don’t try to not love them if you do. Just don’t obsess about them.

SHY: Is there anything that I haven’t asked that you think is important for people to know?

AF: Yeah, you know the thing – especially for younger people that I want them to really get, because I know, especially with the millennials and the younger generations, they really don’t see the necessity of marriage, you know? They’re really choosing not to get married, and in fact I think 50% of them are having babies before marriage, if they even do get married. And I would say to them, you know, just because your parents got divorced or you don’t have any personal experience of seeing a happy marriage is not a good enough reason not to try it for yourself. Because the love experts out there, the serious scientific researchers like Harville Hendrix and Dr. John Gottman and those folks, what they’re showing is that when you do take the sacred vows, when you do have a happy marriage, not only is it going to impact you on every level, it’s also going to impact your children. Children who are in legally married homes do better on every level. They do better in school, they do better physically, they do better emotionally. So do the research yourself if you don’t believe a word I’m saying and know that when you’re with the right person, when you’re married to your soulmate, life is better. Water is wetter. Air smells fresher. It’s more fun to be living life with your best friend, knowing that you’re on the same team, looking in the same direction.

Intrigued? Check out our review, then pre-order Turn Your Mate into Your Soulmate HERE to get tons of free gifts!

Written by Sasha Graffagna

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